Fat Toby

He lives in the hundred acre wood
So anyone would think his life is good
but Toby has a million things to do

‘What’s that noise
a bird or kangaroo?’

He has to be alert to every threat
if he could just chase butterflies
his life would be perfect!

But Toby needs to stand guard day and night

Dingo’s and goanna’s make him run away in fright

Then there’s all those screeching cockatoos

the kookaburra’s laugh at him

Oh what’s a cat to do?

Rats and bats are driving Toby nuts
sometimes he stays up all night
just protecting us!

Toby is a very stressed out cat
And that’s the reason why our Toby’s fat!

…

AmsterDamn!

She’s a fun..
but complicated girl
her lipsticks’s raunchy red
and she’s rocking out your world

She’s got style
but her halo’s kinda slipping
her morals are in pieces
but with her you could be tripping

She’s adventure
live life now or not at all
and you can’t resist the freedom
it’s too tempting to ignore

There’s no rules
ride a bar down her main street
make a coffeeshop your home
she won’t judge
the indiscreet

She’s the bomb
and she’s opening your mind
like a taste of days gone by
it’s like stepping back in time

And it works
somehow things just fall in place
there’s a multitude of bicycles
and very little space

I’m in love
with her sordid crazy life
she can stick it to the man
she’s not anybody’s wife

Come and see
come and stay here for a while
she’s a sexy, worldly woman
and you’ll leave her with a smile

……

Smooth Liar

You’re on the run
you’ve changed your name
you know, I’m not surprised
and who the hell is lending you
that Jag you always drive

You’re full of shit
I must admit
it’s always fun to see
how verbal diarrhea
gets you where you need to be

You’re flashing cash
and buying rounds
but you know
I know better
your new friends
are impressed by you

yeah you’re a real go getter

You’d sell your soul
then steal it back
you play an unfair game
and nothing ever touches you
you’re like an open flame

Yeah babe I got your number
forget that you got mine
cos I don’t need to hear about
the mess you left this time

I like you crazy lady
you’re always looking fine
but I can’t justify your needs
to those you leave behind

…

Dear Johnny Depp

Dear Johnny Depp
from the bottom of my heart
I’ve been waiting 20 years
why must we be apart..

Remember all those movies
like Edward Scissorhands
you always played the outcast
and won the hearts of fans

I waited every weekend
to watch you on TV
seeing you in tight jeans
on 21 jump me!

it made me so impatient
I swear those jeans got tighter
but then you went and fell in love
with that Winona Ryder

Kate Moss held you captive
then Paradis was next..

how you looked straight past me
is anybody’s guess

I can’t resist a gypsy
who plays a river song
you know I just fell deeper

Man you got it going on!

Then you played a pirate
with a dark, sarcastic wit
and outshone poor Orlando

yeh you made him look a twit

Dear Johnny Depp
I don’t know what you’ve got
but even my two daughters
in their 20’s think you’re hot

Rumour is you’re single
and I’m a married mum
but please don’t let that stop you
cos  Johnny
you’re the one!

……

Talking To Myself

You’re a drunk
and an embarrassment
you can’t be trusted
to hold your tongue

And when you think
you have an audience
you let rip
and have some fun

You’re the life
of every party

(where there’s wine
and beer galore)

but then you wake
with vivid flashbacks
of what you did
the night before

So take a good look
in the mirror

(with blood shot eyes)

remember when?

just last week
you made a promise

you would never drink again!

And here you are
looking for tablets
stomach churning
-aching head

will they call you
up this arvo
and remind you
of what you said

I’m a mother
and a daughter
I’m a friend
and I’m a wife

but when there’s booze
and gypsy music
I can’t help
but drink in life

Back to bed
with lots of water
hope my neighbours
don’t make noise

there’s a party
here next weekend

Will I drink?

Like one of the boys!

…

Not So Old

The kids have grown
and flown the coop
Hooray we’re free at last
We had them young
and it was fun
..the time went by so fast

But now it’s just the two of us
I know we should feel sad
But hey we’re forty
feeling norty
No more ‘mum’ and ‘dad’

Back pack’s ready
ticket’s booked
and passport’s set to go
Kid’s surprised
they roll their eyes
‘You’re too old’
‘don’t you know’

Europe in the Spring time
a tankard full of beer
riding bikes
and hillside hikes
we’re brimming with good cheer

Feeling like our younger selves
we plan on hiring quads
riding round
through little towns
I’ll share it on my blogs

So watch this space
it won’t be long
just 8 more weeks to go
The travel bug
is like a drug
it’s just the start you know

Six Days On The Road (and I’m gonna have to kill my wife)

Well I’m a DILF on wheels
and I’m rollin outta Kewdale tonight
I got my Navman set,
but it never gets anything right

There’s a tosser trying hard to sound cool
on the radio
I think ‘What a tool’
but it won’t get me down
cos I’m getting outta Perth tonight!

Well I’m a little overweight
but that don’t mean I’m fat
my wife’s asleep
yeh she’s taking ANOTHER nap

Promised me she’d do half the work
that’s another job she’s willing to shirk
I’d like to trade her in
for a woman who won’t talk back!

Well me log books fudged
And I’m missing a back tail light
And this load can’t wait
Gotta be there by tomorrow night

But she’s getting the camera out
And she never stops yelling out
‘Hey slow down, there’s an emu
and I wanna get this picture just right’

Well me cabs a bloody mess
Cos she never stops buying snacks
She’s wearing my clothes
and she never gives anything back

I dunno why I chose this life
Should a packed a two edged knife
Six days on the road
And I’m gonna have to kill my wife

(For my long suffering hubby – whom I drive batty)